Feeling really sad out of nowhere.

Whenever I get this sad, I always imagine myself 5 years old again, when it was okay to be upset over nothing. When I was little and I was sad, it went away fairly quick when I saw my parents or sisters. These days, when I’m sad, I’m sad for months on end…and usually, I’m sad because I’m frustrated with not being able to pinpoint where it comes from.

I feel really sad and alone. I feel sad and alone a lot of the times, even if I don’t admit it.

I know what I need to do. I need to stop being so selfish. I need to do well. I just feel like crying. I feel like crying all the time :/

Nothing kills me more than my computer science classes. I probably cry a lot in my head over this one class.

I studied all day and kind of all weekend for it but still feel really unprepared because I don’t understand a majority of the material.

I want to excel and I want to do great in this subject, but I constantly feel incompetent.

The way this class eats at my self-esteem is the worst. I know I’m literally only crying over one class, and I know realistically I’m not stupid because I’m doing really well in my other computer science class, and I basically have straight A’s in the rest of my classes, but this one class makes me question everything about myself.

I’m really scared, more than I admit. I’m terrified of what’s in store for me in the computer science department, and I don’t know how to explain that without sounding over-dramatic. I really want to cry and quit because I don’t feel I can compare to any of these other extremely smart kids.

Love is the most peculiar thing. You can’t fool feelings no matter how much you resist it. 

????

But I’ve sure thought I could live without it. I find love in so many people in my life, but when I used to look towards him, I would be so flabbergasted with the realization that romantic endeavors in life can actually work. It’s so cliche and overplayed; I hate that it’s true and I hate how romantic love actually exists.

I say this because despite leaving two serious relationships, and even choosing to give up recently on the “whatever it was” ordeal, I can’t escape myself from still trying to find words for him. I’m still trying words for him, after months of giving up on him.

I guess that’s what sad with me because I can play around my feelings all the time, I can even fool the other person into thinking I’m truly indifferent, but inside I like them a little too much. I like them more than I like myself! I would do anything for them. That type of shit is so crazy, I can’t wrap my head around why you can give up anything and everything for someone, and all they need to do is ask. How does my feelings process it to that point where I love someone that much (in real life, I say like, but in my head, I basically love him lol)? 

Sometimes someone would bring him up and I nonchalantly shrug my shoulders, but on my walk home, I start thinking about him. When I look at pictures of him, I swear for a second to myself, I can see how unhappy he is and get really upset. I left him, but I still want him to be happy. I mean…what the fuck. He doesn’t deserve that from me, but I still want him to be happy.

I think about the million ways I would have never held his past against him, or treated him a certain way, or how I would handle his feelings differently from the girl before. I just think way too much about how I would have been as a girlfriend to him if he didn’t scare the wits out of me. If I didn’t think about how he wasn’t good for me. If I didn’t always justify my feelings with my logic. If I didn’t think about the distance and the hardships that would come with it. If I wasn’t selfish, if I wasn’t trying to establish myself in my 20s.

A lot of the time I randomly think about how he used to fall asleep and how I would pull the blanket over his body to make sure he was warm, and the way I felt in that moment about him. I don’t know why I think about those moments so much, I think it was because those were the times where I felt a lot of compassion and love for him. Almost an overwhelming sense of how I wanted to stay in his life and be there for his lows, as well as his triumphs. Ugh. I think of him in such a manner that shows I’m not over him, but nobody else can tell and it’s so fucking unnerving, it leaves me so confused…………But you know when despite how much you love someone, they’re no good for you? It’s that exact thing. I’m trying so hard to be selfish for my future, for my emotional stability, but I feel upset because what I would rather do is be there for him.

Godfuck, I’m such a hopeless romantic and the guys that get involved with me can never tell. I get so upset over nothing. 

I always wonder to myself if one day choosing my academics or career or whatever else it was will be worth it. I want to take care of myself, but I also want to take care of him? That’s so annoying because I need…I NEED TO JUST FOCUS ON MYSELF.

I am 21, I am young, and whatever we had probably wouldn’t even last. I rationalize this, but I’m afraid one day I’m going to look back and regret giving up on certain people the minute they fucked up.

I laid in bed for an hour and thirty, playing this one song on repeat feeling numb at first, and after the third time the song played on repeat, I started crying. I guess I’ve been holding in two semester’s worth of frustration and sadness. 

I put on a good front for people close to me, acting fake angry and indifferent when I feel lonely, but truthfully, like anyone else, it hurts feeling like you’re alone to deal with things. It’s worse when you know you truly aren’t alone, because you feel guilty and ashamed that maybe you’re just being ungrateful. Or that you shouldn’t feel that way.

I also understand another part of why I feel the way I do is my fault because I’m too prideful to reach out to people. People are always telling me to vent to them but I refuse to, or apologize that I don’t feel comfortable enough. I just don’t want to lose that sense of control, so I think holding it in will better but it never is. Not trying to be over-dramatic or anything, I know I have some good people in my life. Being in these weird moods are the worst.

It’s a mixture of that and the feeling of in-adequateness. No matter how good my grades are, I feel incompetent all that time. I wish I just believed in myself. I wish as much as I talked, I believed it.

I also spent the time feeling guilty and upset over family matters. I realize that I can’t feel like this. I have to grow up. I have to move on with my life, but sometimes when I’m enjoying myself, I feel like I’ve abandoned my family for wanting to live my life differently.

Like today when I was laying in bed and felt loneliness, I asked myself, “Is this how mom and dad feels?” And then I started putting myself in their shoes and started crying. 

I won’t get into detail about it but I remember once when I was talking with my dad in the last days before I left for college and I asked my dad, “Would it make you happy to go back?”

And he said, “After a couple of years in America, I realized, the first generation will never be happy. There is no American dream. It’s left up to the second generation to find that happiness.”

Basically, I spend a lot of time thinking about my family and getting upset about how everyone lives their life, how everyone perceives reality, and how everyone ultimately feels alone. I think like this because I know I feel really alone, and I know if that is true for someone as young as me, who probably has an infinite amount of opportunities, there is no doubt in my mind that this has been the loneliness that my mom and dad has been feeling for 23+ years now.

Truthfully, when I get into moods like this, I wish I had a relationship with my parents so I could talk to them. But everyone is so distant, and I already know how it goes when I try to build a relationships with my parents (it never works).

The one thing I never talk about is how I only care so much about wanting to study law and criminal justice because it’s the naive idea I’ve had since I was younger that in this way, I’ve succeeded. It’s like finding the justice I never found growing up in a physically abusive environment.

I also want to find out why the criminal justice system failed me as a kid and I want to know if there is anything I can do to prevent that for future children. 

It’s really hard to talk about this, but that’s actually why I care so much about studying this subject area. It’s embedded into who I am now because the only way I knew how to survive back then was to constantly tell myself that one day I would get to find my own justice. And if I gave it up now, I’d feel pretty empty.

But that’s hard to explain to people without explaining the extent of who I was back then and all the things I’ve gone through.

I’m not saying I’ve had it the worst. I sure as hell didn’t. I am still immensely grateful for all the stuff that happened because they allowed me to grow up, learn, and bond certain relationships that come out of tough situations. This is certainly a disclaimer that I am NOT putting blame on anything or anyone. I am trying my best to grow out of my teenage resentment that I held so tightly to a couple of years ago.

The point I’m making is that I’m not studying what I’m studying with the back thought of money, job security, or that it’s a relatively easy major (all things people think are extremely good indicators of being a successful person-money and job security). What stems my interest is that I know I want to help child victims. I really want to make a difference. I do not care that much about money or job security or fame or glory…I want to be directly involved with helping people, and that’s really hard to get my family and others alike to understand. I want to study something that I’m personally invested in, because the job security in that for me is not what the job market will look like in ten years, but that I’ll never run out of passion in wanting to help kids who were in similar situations as me, supporting and telling them they’re going to be successful and that whatever they are going through is not a mark of their self-worth, but rather something that will mark how far they’ve come one day.

Just got off the phone and started crying because no matter how far I’ve come, how successful I become, or how many bridges I’ve tried crossing, I’ll never get full acceptance if I don’t live it according to someone’s else terms. So I do what I want to anyways, resulting in a plethora of temporary happiness, but never the “real thing.” I want nothing more from myself but to be happy, but others don’t want that??? Or their preconceived notion of what happiness is contradicts with mine.

The obstacle I consistently run back into is trying to accept that some people will never accept how I want to live my life. Every time I come to accept I will never get the support I want, a random life circumstance happens which causes the other person to become a bit more sympathetic, and I get hopeful that their perspective on my life has changed, when it hasn’t (and never will). And the moment I realize that, I feel trapped in the cycle again, upset over things I had “grown out of” the day before.

I don’t need people to vent? That’s why there’s writing.

I went throughout most of my life not talking about any of my personal problems. Just because I’ve been more accustomed to venting or speaking my mind or opening up to people since high school doesn’t mean I need to.

What is this superfluous idea that I need people? I don’t need anyone. Every time I’ve thought I needed people, I realized I’m perfectly fine without them.

I may be a mess in my private life, but I don’t need people to feel secure with who I am, even if I am lost or stressed or tired or whatever else. 

Stop talking to me as if I need you. I don’t need you.

Yeah, cut the bullshit.

I’m going to get hate for this, but I really hate girls who jump on the anti-feminism band-wagon when they’re with guys to seem cooler, when just another minute ago they were agreeing with me.

You are goddamn lucky you live in a country where girls are more valued than in other countries where you would have been killed at birth through suffocation, strangulation, acid being poured down your throat, poisoned, etc. because of your gender. 

You obviously have the wrong idea of feminism if you think it’s about shaming males, because that’s not what it is about at all. It’s not restricted to women’s rights, it’s for the promotion of equal human rights. Jesus.

Granted, in the United States there has been huger strides in such matters, there are other countries where that isn’t the case, and that’s why it’s important for countries who are seen as “world powers” to instill this mindset that both girls and guys are valuable contributions to society to help other countries who are still molded into this “greed-based” idea that males are better because they “carry on the name, bring in money, etc.” whereas females are just burdens.

I’m just saying, I can even tell in my dad’s way of thinking sometimes that he always wished for a boy. Like he’s said it many times that he would trade all 5 daughters for a boy, but I think he’s tried to outgrow that idea and instead promote for us to be strong, hard-working, independent people (and for that I respect him for at least trying to change his mind-set).

In fact, it was first and foremost my dad that told me when I was younger (really young) that I would never depend on a guy financially. That if I was stuck in a bad relationship in the future, I would be independent and stable enough to leave it without losing a sense of who I am. And it was also my dad that told me that I didn’t need a man. (So yes, as much as I joke about guys, and as much as I’ve been hurt for all the shit I’ve gone through with my dad, I do not overgeneralize and hold all males accountable for the actions of the few).

My mom didn’t tell me much about guys and being an independent person until this past year when I was leaving back to college, when she told me, “Nobody will love you as much as yourself.” In the context of the conversation, she meant do not depend on a guy to define your self-worth. 

So yeah, as much as I used to (or subconsciously still) hold certain resentment towards my parents, both of them told me very valuable advice on how to view myself as an individual.

I get it, sometimes there are the extreme feminists that seem crazy and shame guys all the time, and I used to be so anti-feminist ‘what the fuck’ growing up too, but as I’ve gotten older there is a lot of stereotyping I’ve noticed, which has changed my views. If you ever get into your own individual career field (even in a relationship), I’m sure you’ll see some of the double standards and the way some (or, a lot, but not all) guys walk around belittling you like you don’t know anything.

Even guys I talked to, a lot of them would belittle me and act like I didn’t notice. When I called them out, they would always say something stupid like, “I’m sorry, I was just joking.” If a guy does that and acts like you didn’t catch it, drop him. There’s no need for sticking around with guys who don’t take you seriously (but only pretend to), when there are a bunch of other guys out there who will respect and take you seriously.

(This goes both ways too. For girls who act like they can get away with uncalled generalized remarks towards guys “just because they’re a girl.”)

Man, I’m having an emotional night.